


Poems of an uncertain mind

by Dandelly



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Intrusive Thoughts, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:48:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22526584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dandelly/pseuds/Dandelly
Summary: Just some thoughts, that spooked around in my head during a very stressful time and which I wanted to bring into words.Sometimes you just have to give these thoughts some air, so that they don't whirl around in your head forever.(Don't worry, I'm fine again)





	1. Prologue

Dear Reader,

a small introduction.

These „Poems" came into being in December, after having recently failed my driving exam and faced with weeks of even more intense exams ahead. I put too much pressure on myself and out of the need for calmness and silence, I temporarily separated myself from my friends. (Whom I dearly love nontheless.)

This resulted in my mind suddenly becoming aware of it’s own thoughts and I felt very much overwhelmed. Trying to get rid of the intrusive thoughts didn’t help and I had cut off all the people I usually would talk to. So on my way to school I wrote them down in 10 chapters. As the day progressed I calmed down, but I have to give a warning for the first poem though. It’s the reason for the overall M rating, because it has gore in it.

But that’s all.

I havent written poems in years and certainly not in english. So please excuse the amateur style. Thank you.


	2. A piece of my body

Please rip my guts apart

And take them with you.

Free them from my innards,

Take me with you.

Rip my arms away

And hold them close.

Entwine my fingers to yours

And keep them forever.

Gauge out my heart

And let it pulsate in your palm.

Give it to someone better,

Give them my love.

And at last take my breath,

Seal it in your lung,

Let nobody see,

My soul forever between your bones.


	3. Snippet

I just want to stop being me, completely and entirely 


	4. Misplacement

I lost a feeling

That drove me onward.

I seem to have misplaced it in better times

And now I search in circles, endlessly.

I lost a feeling.

Someone must have found it and kept it.

But do they need it

Like I do

I lost all feeling

In my mind and my heart and my bones,

It's gone and were it was

An illusion has taken its place.

I lost

The feeling

Of life 


	5. Duality

Sitting here

I'm wondering,

Who is the soul in this hollow body,

Driving this person.

As I look in the mirror

I'm wondering,

Do I see double

Or have I simply stopped working.

My fingers are writing

Poem after poem

And I'm wondering,

How long will it take until

Everything that's me

Will be poured out.

Leaving behind

An empty hull. 


	6. A silver lining between the rift

In the late of night

Me, that is us, we are walking

Up the stairs

Until we stop.

Our head to the sky

And we feel the pull of life,

The pull of the strings around us

Pulling on this almost empty hull.

And In this moment

There‘s an I.

I can feel it separating,

A humming in my body.

And I dont want it to end,

The clarity in my mind.

But as I step forward, walking on

The feeling stops

And we are

Uncertainty 


	7. But who of us is faking it

This laugh, is it mine?

It echoes through the body, up its neck, out the mouth.

It carries a feeling.

Someone's feeling.

A blink of an eye

Angry heat in flesh

Words meant to hurt

Someone's words.

But are they mine?

Where is the line?

And who drew it.

Couldn't have been me.

I never even saw the plain on which to draw.

I only ever saw two, being one. 


	8. Hidden away

There are no closed eyes.

It is

everseeing

And also at night

it doesn't leave you.

There are no words unspoken.

They are

Everexistent

In your mind, in your brain and on your face.

Even when you hide them

They dont leave you.

There is no touch unfelt.

We are

Everpresent

In the air around us and in the thought.

Leaving our marks on one another.

We dont leave you.

The mind is shattered.

It cannot comprehend

What it tries to understand.

It is too much of all.

It wants to leave you. 


	9. Putting myself back together

And now I am empty.

It is not the sensation I thought it would be.

But is it bad?

For once maybe I understand

How the two of me

Make one.

How not being good

Is fine.

As my fingers brush my cheek,

I try to savour the moment and ground myself in here

And maybe the smile that escapes

Is filled with a feeling

That belongs to me.


	10. Vent

I want to scream

\- I say -

Silently in my head,

Wishing I could

But not being able to break the character I was meant to perform.

The tension in my bowels

\- I feel -

Spreading all over my body,

Wishing I could punch

The pain away

But not being able to break the character I was meant to perform.

My hand hovers over my hair

As I contemplate ripping and pulling

Single strings painfully unlatching,

But no

I was not meant to break the character that I perform. 


	11. Through the glass window

So I lay here,

Contemplating, mulling over the mountains of thoughts,

wishing to reach out,

But the sea of tears forever drowning me in my head.

I cannot give anything but drought

To the minds of my friends,

Their conversations a spring of life

Between my wishes for endless winter.

My outstretched fingers cannot reach,

The fields of joy I can see.

So I lay here

Contemplating and wishing.


	12. When spring finally comes

After all this time I should have just seen

That what I needed, was already right there to grasp.

It only took its time to bloom

Like the garden outside of my window.

And even though I never saw

that what I needed, was already on the tip of my fingers

It only took some love to enflame

the needing heart inside of my body

Although I was blind to the change

I wished upon myself

The time has come to shed this part of me

not fully

but partially

and accept that happiness can come upon you like spring in winter

And while the snow is still falling

the sun will come out

And as the thoughts are still whirling

a good moment will shine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading these small poems.  
> The last one was made very recently, since I not only wanted to capture the episode I had in December, but also the big improvement that came my way through the incredile friendships I've woven.


End file.
